hope
hōp/
noun
noun: hope; plural noun: hopes
: the feeling
of wanting something to happen and thinking that it could happen
: a
feeling that something good will happen or be true
: the chance that something good will happen
: someone or something that may be able to provide help : someone or something that gives you a reason for hoping
So many times I've thought about if I should share something so personal on my blog, and if so how do I finally open up and articulate what has seemed to consume my life for the past year and a half. The idea of sharing my struggles with infertility on a public scale scares the hell out of me, but it also gives me a little hope. Hope that by telling others about my journey I can set my own feelings of sadness & anger free, and also hope that I could possibly help someone else along the way understand that you're not alone in this. For a long time I didn't even tell any of my girlfriends what I was going through. I felt ashamed by the fact that I couldn't get pregnant on my own, and didn't want anyone to know about it. Struggling with infertility can sometimes be a dark, lonely hole and the silence that seems to surround the topic only makes it that much harder.
Very few people in my life know that today I will be
going in for surgery to hopefully
correct some issues that have been preventing me from becoming
pregnant. It has been a long process that has brought me to this surgery, so I want to start from the beginning.
I always assumed that getting pregnant would be so easy. I'm still young, I'm healthy, I exercise, I take my vitamins, I'm happy, so in love with my husband, and we're ready to start a family so it should be easy for us, right? I went off birth control right away after Adam & I were married last year, and for the first few months we were just enjoying being newlyweds. While not actively trying to get pregnant, we weren't doing anything to prevent it, and I guess you could say that we had the "if it happens, it's a blessing and we're ready for it" mentality. After several months with this attitude, and nothing happening, I started actively charting my monthly cycles so that I would know when I was ovulating. This went on for 6-7 months, and each month like clockwork, I would get my period. I started to feel like something was wrong. Call it women's intuition or just being in tune with my body, but from early on I just had this feeling like something was off.
I never wanted to be one of those girls who was so desperate to get pregnant. I had always joked that I would never use the ovulation detector pee sticks because the idea of using them just seemed so unromantic to me. I didn't want this process of trying for a baby to ruin my sex life with my husband; for sex to become a "chore" rather than something we both enjoyed. Like I said earlier, I just assumed it would be so easy to get pregnant. I had so many friends who conceived their babies within the first few months of trying, and I never thought it would take this long for us. Wanting to get pregnant started to consume my life. I began reading books on natural fertility, taking various vitamins to make me more "fertile", drinking cough syrup at certain times of the month {I won't get into specifics here, just google it if curious}, charting various bodily fluids {sorry if that is TMI}, and yes, even started using those dang pee sticks that I swore I'd never use, but month after month nothing happened. It's almost ironic that I spent the majority of my adult life taking
daily pills, and having devices implanted in my body trying to prevent
pregnancy, but once I actually wanted a baby more than anything else I just couldn't seem to get pregnant.
Somewhere near the one year mark feelings of frustration, and sadness started to creep into my life. Something was wrong with me. We should have conceived by now. Each monthly period would bring the tears. I cried a lot. I cried to Adam, I cried to my mom, but mostly I just cried by myself. I felt so angry at my body. As women, this is what our bodies are designed to do and I felt like mine was failing me. I also felt so alone in all of this. None of my friends experienced problems with conceiving. I didn't have anyone who I could relate to; no one who could tell me about their own experiences & feelings.
For our one year anniversary, we took a trip to Israel & Italy. While in Jerusalem, I wept at the tomb of King David praying to be blessed with a child, while Adam prayed with a Rabbi over on the men's side of the room that I would be able to conceive. In Italy, I hoped that our prayers, combined with much needed wine + relaxation would be answered. My period was 6 days late that month and I thought this was it! Finally, I'm pregnant! I took a pregnancy test every day during those 6 days, and every single one was negative. It was such a letdown once I finally started. My mom began urging me to go meet with a specialist. Since it had been over a year of us "trying" at this point, I knew in my heart that it was time. I was so afraid to call and make that appointment, so I put it off for a couple months. I was afraid of all the testing, afraid of what they might tell me, and afraid of how certain results might affect my marriage.
Throughout all of this, Adam was so good to me. He put up with my
extreme mood swings, and consoled me when I cried. I know I was so difficult to deal with, there were many moments when I was a flat out bitch, but he was always there by my side encouraging me to
stay positive, and to think positive. As much as he encouraged me, I couldn't get past the resentment that I felt towards my body. This whole process had really messed with
my feelings of self worth, and I started to become a bitter,
disappointed, angry and sad person all at the same time. People
announcing their pregnancy on Facebook or Instagram had the ability to immediately
derail my entire day. It didn't help that everyone around me seemed to
be getting pregnant, or having babies and while I was truly happy for my
friends, I would always think why not me? Why can't I have that moment where I get to stare down at a pregnancy stick and realize that I'm carrying a life inside of my body....
This past summer, I finally made that call & found a fertility specialist in my area that I really liked & felt comfortable with and we started the long process of all of the testing. Adam was the first one to get tested to rule out the possibility that it was him. Once he came back with an excellent report, we knew that the "problem" was me. Over the next couple of months, I had blood drawn 5 times during various stages of my cycle, had vaginal ultrasounds performed, and a couple other invasive tests done. All of these results came back perfect, which meant that my hormones were 100% not the problem. They then scheduled me for an HSG test. This test is an x-ray test that is performed by injecting dye through a catheter into your uterus & fallopian tubes. The results came back that I have one fully blocked fallopian tube, which can not be repaired due to the significance in which it is blocked, and also that I have scarring in my uterus. At this point to finally hear that we were doing everything right, but there is a problem with my body is almost a weird relief. We were told that I'd need to have surgery to remove the scar tissue, and since I only have 1 working fallopian tube our chances of conceiving naturally on our own are slim.
And so that brings us to today - surgery day. I'm a little nervous since it is a surgery that involves full anesthesia, and I'm not sure what to expect in terms of pain, but on the other hand, it will be nice to make some progress towards starting a family! The doctor told me that if everything goes well with the surgery, I would have to wait through one full cycle, and then we could start the process of IVF.
More than anything, I want to be a mother. I long to experience those 9 months of pregnancy, to hear the pitter patter of toddler feet in our house, to cook weekend breakfasts with mickey mouse pancakes for my family, to experience all of life's first moments with a little human that I created with the love of life, to give Adam the gift of fatherhood and dedicate my whole life to my family....I want all of that more than anything else.
I know that there is a silver lining in all of this, which will reveal itself some day, even if it's just to make me a stronger woman. But for now, all that I can do is hope. Hope that the surgery goes well this morning, hope that I'm mentally strong enough to handle all that comes with IVF, and hope for a family.
Hope.
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