Sunday, June 24, 2018

Infertility Round II

This post has been on the back of my mind lately.  If you've been fortunate enough to have never experienced truly struggling to conceive, than this might be difficult to understand.  If you've walked down this road, than you just get it.

Denial.  Sadness.  Anger.  Acceptance.  Hope.  Repeat.  These are the emotions that I experience every single month.  We've been trying for over 2 years now.  Since Isla was 7 months old.  It was such a struggle to conceive her back then, that I wanted to start trying right away.  It's always been my dream to have wee ones running through my home....that beautiful chaos that comes from a large family.  I'm 36 years old, and I know that time is not on my side.  

Since November, I've taken the medications, administered the shots, more meds, blood draws numerous times a week, ultrasounds, and experienced multiple failed infertility treatments.  All that I have to show for it are complications from the medications which wreak havoc on your body; poor health, hormones completely out of whack, a uterine tumor, cervical cysts that won't disappear on their own (ovarian drilling anyone?), and depression.  

Infertility is a dark, and lonely place.  And just because I've been blessed to have 1 child, doesn't mean that secondary infertility is an easy pill to swallow.

I put my instagram account on hold last month after my surgery to remove the tumor.  I couldn't handle the pretty images of smiling babies, and pregnancy announcements any longer.  The pregnancy announcements are devastating.  Not because I'm not happy for them, but because I'm sad for myself.  I almost pulled Isla out of our favorite mommy and me class because 5 of the mothers are expecting.  It's like putting a starving person in a room full of food and telling them they can't eat.  I withdrew her from starting preschool next school year so that I can keep her at home and enjoy her for one more year.  Thoughts of "this may be the only child I have" are daily.

I think of all the privileges that I have in life, but for me, not being able to get pregnant and have another child really, really hurts.  It's cruel, and unfair, and I don't wish these feelings on anyone.  I pray that once I resume treatments again in September (the projected time frame when I should be healthy enough to start again), that this IVF round will be successful and that I will be able to experience that stirring of life inside of me, and ultimately give my daughter a brother or sister.


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